Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel Summary
Overview of Mating in Captivity
Esther Perel's provocative bestseller challenges conventional wisdom: can passion survive domesticity? Called "so honest it hurts" by Irish Times and recommended by therapists worldwide, this counterintuitive guide reveals why mystery - not intimacy - might be the key to rekindling desire in long-term relationships.
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Key takeaways
When Passion Meets Permanence
Why do so many couples who deeply love each other struggle to maintain desire? We've created an impossible equation: expecting one person to provide both unwavering security and thrilling unpredictability, the comfort of home and the excitement of adventure. This contradiction sits at the heart of modern relationships, where we've loaded onto our partners expectations once distributed across entire communities, extended families, and spiritual traditions. We want safety and danger, familiarity and mystery, roots and wings-all from the same person. The result? Countless couples find themselves trapped in what feels like a cruel paradox: the more successful they are at building intimacy, the more elusive passion becomes. Here's the uncomfortable truth: love and desire don't always play nicely together. Love draws us closer, seeking to eliminate distance and create fusion. Desire, however, needs space to breathe-it thrives on tension, mystery, and the electricity of separateness. Think of Adele, the accomplished lawyer who describes her second marriage as satisfying "80 percent of the time." She appreciates her stability with Alan, yet mourns the loss of those early butterflies, that sense of being desired not as a wife or mother but as a woman in her own right. We've inherited a relatively new problem. For most of human history, marriage had little to do with passion-it was about property, children, and social alliance. Only in the last century did we begin expecting romantic love and domestic partnership to coexist. The sexual revolution, feminism, and evolving social norms dismantled old structures, granting unprecedented freedom but also creating new anxieties. We're freer than ever, yet more alone, placing enormous pressure on romantic relationships to fill voids once addressed by entire communities.
The Space Between Bodies
Beyond Words and Into Bodies
Playing with Power and Paradox
The Family Paradox
The Persistent Third
Reclaiming the Erotic
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From Columbia University alumni built in San Francisco
"Instead of endless scrolling, I just hit play on BeFreed. It saves me so much time."
"I never knew where to start with nonfiction—BeFreed’s book lists turned into podcasts gave me a clear path."
"Perfect balance between learning and entertainment. Finished ‘Thinking, Fast and Slow’ on my commute this week."
"Crazy how much I learned while walking the dog. BeFreed = small habits → big gains."
"Reading used to feel like a chore. Now it’s just part of my lifestyle."
"Feels effortless compared to reading. I’ve finished 6 books this month already."
"BeFreed turned my guilty doomscrolling into something that feels productive and inspiring."
"BeFreed turned my commute into learning time. 20-min podcasts are perfect for finishing books I never had time for."
"BeFreed replaced my podcast queue. Imagine Spotify for books — that’s it. 🙌"
"It is great for me to learn something from the book without reading it."
"The themed book list podcasts help me connect ideas across authors—like a guided audio journey."
"Makes me feel smarter every time before going to work"
"Instead of endless scrolling, I just hit play on BeFreed. It saves me so much time."
"I never knew where to start with nonfiction—BeFreed’s book lists turned into podcasts gave me a clear path."
"Perfect balance between learning and entertainment. Finished ‘Thinking, Fast and Slow’ on my commute this week."
"Crazy how much I learned while walking the dog. BeFreed = small habits → big gains."
"Reading used to feel like a chore. Now it’s just part of my lifestyle."
"Feels effortless compared to reading. I’ve finished 6 books this month already."
"BeFreed turned my guilty doomscrolling into something that feels productive and inspiring."
"BeFreed turned my commute into learning time. 20-min podcasts are perfect for finishing books I never had time for."
"BeFreed replaced my podcast queue. Imagine Spotify for books — that’s it. 🙌"
"It is great for me to learn something from the book without reading it."
"The themed book list podcasts help me connect ideas across authors—like a guided audio journey."
"Makes me feel smarter every time before going to work"
"Instead of endless scrolling, I just hit play on BeFreed. It saves me so much time."
"I never knew where to start with nonfiction—BeFreed’s book lists turned into podcasts gave me a clear path."
"Perfect balance between learning and entertainment. Finished ‘Thinking, Fast and Slow’ on my commute this week."
"Crazy how much I learned while walking the dog. BeFreed = small habits → big gains."
"Reading used to feel like a chore. Now it’s just part of my lifestyle."
"Feels effortless compared to reading. I’ve finished 6 books this month already."
"BeFreed turned my guilty doomscrolling into something that feels productive and inspiring."
"BeFreed turned my commute into learning time. 20-min podcasts are perfect for finishing books I never had time for."
"BeFreed replaced my podcast queue. Imagine Spotify for books — that’s it. 🙌"
"It is great for me to learn something from the book without reading it."
"The themed book list podcasts help me connect ideas across authors—like a guided audio journey."
"Makes me feel smarter every time before going to work"
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